The past few days have been rough. Extremely rough. I’ve felt out of control, I’ve been restless and jittery. Then tonight, while talking to a friend, it clicked: I’m bipolar. I’ve known this for years, but it clicked. I’m reacting like this because of my disorder. I’m not doing it on purpose, and I can’t control it which makes me feel even more out of control… and it’s cycling downward and literally just exploded. Tragic ending. Very tragic, really. I think if I explain the disorder and then explain what’s been happening, you’ll understand just a little better.
Bipolar disorder is an unstable emotional condition characterized by cycles of abnormal, persistent high mood (mania) and low mood (depression). When I was originally diagnosed, the doctor said I was “manic-depressive.” In the manic phase, the mood can be elevated, expansive, or irritable. There can also be decreased need for sleep, talkativeness, racing thoughts, distractibility, and reckless behavior (like compulsive gambling, sexual indiscretions, and unrestrained spending sprees). You can have hallucinations or delusions.
I fall into the 10% who have rapid cycling bipolar disorder because I have at least four mood episodes per year. When this happens, I lose control. I’m triggered and the reaction is unstoppable. This past weekend, my mania hit in and the results are definitely not at all what I wanted. Things were said and done that just shouldn’t have happened. Period. I can’t take back time, although I’d sell my soul if I could. I’d do anything… but that’s besides the point. On Friday I noticed I was getting jittery. I had been working on a package for Kevin for our anniversary and I was beside myself about it. We both have busy schedules, so talking is here and there. He texted me on Saturday talking about his concert and how much he wished I was there. Then he said, “I miss you.” I miss him like crazy, so I said, “I miss you, too.” And then the trigger… “Do you really?” I was crushed! Of course I miss him. He’s over 700 miles away! It’s so hard not having him here. But something took over me.
I couldn’t stop it. My brain went nuts. I started saying very mean things to him and being all crazy. It breaks my heart, but I dumped him. As soon as I did it, I freaked again. I had to get him back, but then during our conversation (he’s hurting so it makes sense) he gets defensive and I react again by being very hurtful and honestly down right evil. I love Kevin. I’d never want to hurt him. But I did. I shattered him. I kicked him when he was down, and didn’t even think twice. I barely slept that night. I didn’t go to work the next day. It was just awful.
Then came my stupid ideas. If I could just see Kevin face-to-face, I could fix this… So I called a friend to see if she could keep the kids for two days; said she’d have to talk to her husband. Literally as soon as I hung up the phone, I thought, “Screw it. Take the girls with you.” I drove to Wal-Mart and bought clothes, food, bottled drinks, toiletries, etc, and was on my way there. Then I texted Kevin, and once he found out, he wasn’t too happy. Said I was making too many rash decisions too quickly. (A few weeks prior I had decided to drop out of college and just go be with him… I’m still in school, and obviously I’m not in Georgia.) I had literally gone and spent almost $200.00, and was going to drive 11 hours to stay in a hotel on the whim that I could find him and convince him I still love him. To let him see I’m serious, that I don’t want to live without him.
Today I went to work. I cried randomly at least 4 times. I had to stop myself from texting him. I made it all the way until 6:00 in the evening before I broke down and said, “Hey.” I can’t go a day without thinking about him, and now I just want to have constant communication. I’m grasping for that non-existant string that I’d already severed with my own scissors. I’m not eating; I’m letting bugs eat me. (Well, just mosquitoes, but they’re still bugs). I either sleep too much or not enough. For over 3 hours I was outside bawling in a parking spot because all my emotions just came exploding out. I called him. I heard his voice… and it broke my heart. He’s so broken that he was “cold” towards me. I don’t blame him. I’d hate me, too. I was very nasty to him. I was angry, and it was all over something absolutely stupid!!!
I ruined my life because I couldn’t control myself. The truth is, I can’t. My doctor will not give me the medicine I need, and I haven’t been given a referral to see someone who will. I think it’s about time I did. Look at the damage I’ve caused. Never, ever did I want to do this. Ever. I love him with all my heart. I just wish he understood that I really didn’t mean to. I’m still in this manic phase- my brain won’t shut off. I keep coming up with crazy ideas, and I’m extremely irritable and impatient right now.
I need my Kevvie Bear. I’m a hot mess without him. I just wish he knew that, yes, I said those things and I knew I was saying them, but the meanness comes out when I’m manic. This has been the worst phase I’ve ever had. I’ve lost so much, and now I’m totally exposed to the world. People have been so mean and cruel over this situation. I’ve been hurt very deeply, but I know that my Kevvie is hurt even more than me. I’m so terribly sorry. I just want this pain to go away…