My Scarlet Letter
Self-Destruction

I’m almost out of this manic phase, and while I may be glad for the calm that comes I’m not looking forward to the hard crash that follows. I’m going to hit the depression phase like a sack of potatoes. Truth be told, I don’t even really care.

I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the abuse. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of no one actually giving a shit. It’s so discouraging. No one has ever fought for me. EVER. They always walk away. So you know what, who cares? I’m sick of caring. Why should I bust my ass when there will be no rewards? It’s not worth it. You only hurt yourself when you care.

I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything. I simply, truly do not care. I haven’t eaten, and I really don’t feel hungry or have the desire to eat. Everyday little things feel like such a chore, and I’m just not motivated. I know I’m only hurting myself in the long run, but maybe I deserve it. I’ve deserved everything that has happened so far, and I know I’m responsible for my current situation. Time to accept it, and lay in the bed I’ve made.

I called a counseling office today to try and get some medication again, but even with medicine it’s not going to make this disorder go away. I don’t want to be bipolar anymore. I’ve had enough. I so desperately want to have normal hormones and a chemical balance in my head. Apparently God had something different in mind, but what if I don’t want to embrace it? I’m a mental patient. Literally. No one wants that. I’m only kidding myself in believing that. My own kids don’t even want me; they remind me every night when they refuse to kiss me goodnight because they “love Daddy more.” He’s a worthless scumbag who’s never there for them yet he gets all their affections.

It’s not fair, and I’m tired of trying to make it fair. There isn’t any point. My life is never going to be great. I’m always going to be “mental,” and whether someone loves me or not, I’ll always be “alone.” No one will ever understand how I feel, and no one will ever try.

So my solution is to just let everything go. I’m not going to care, and I’m not going to try. I’m fighting a losing battle to begin with. It’s been made very apparent to me that what others think should be taken in to account, even though it’s none of their business. Why do I want to fight an unfair battle? I don’t. So just let me die in what little peace I can find. Alone.  

My Scarlet Letter: Bipolar Disorder

The past few days have been rough. Extremely rough. I’ve felt out of control, I’ve been restless and jittery. Then tonight, while talking to a friend, it clicked: I’m bipolar. I’ve known this for years, but it clicked. I’m reacting like this because of my disorder. I’m not doing it on purpose, and I can’t control it which makes me feel even more out of control… and it’s cycling downward and literally just exploded. Tragic ending. Very tragic, really. I think if I explain the disorder and then explain what’s been happening, you’ll understand just a little better.

Bipolar disorder is an unstable emotional condition characterized by cycles of abnormal, persistent high mood (mania) and low mood (depression). When I was originally diagnosed, the doctor said I was “manic-depressive.” In the manic phase, the mood can be elevated, expansive, or irritable. There can also be decreased need for sleep, talkativeness, racing thoughts, distractibility, and reckless behavior (like compulsive gambling, sexual indiscretions, and unrestrained spending sprees). You can have hallucinations or delusions.

I fall into the 10% who have rapid cycling bipolar disorder because I have at least four mood episodes per year. When this happens, I lose control. I’m triggered and the reaction is unstoppable. This past weekend, my mania hit in and the results are definitely not at all what I wanted. Things were said and done that just shouldn’t have happened. Period. I can’t take back time, although I’d sell my soul if I could. I’d do anything… but that’s besides the point. On Friday I noticed I was getting jittery. I had been working on a package for Kevin for our anniversary and I was beside myself about it. We both have busy schedules, so talking is here and there. He texted me on Saturday talking about his concert and how much he wished I was there. Then he said, “I miss you.” I miss him like crazy, so I said, “I miss you, too.” And then the trigger… “Do you really?” I was crushed! Of course I miss him. He’s over 700 miles away! It’s so hard not having him here. But something took over me.

I couldn’t stop it. My brain went nuts. I started saying very mean things to him and being all crazy. It breaks my heart, but I dumped him. As soon as I did it, I freaked again. I had to get him back, but then during our conversation (he’s hurting so it makes sense) he gets defensive and I react again by being very hurtful and honestly down right evil. I love Kevin. I’d never want to hurt him. But I did. I shattered him. I kicked him when he was down, and didn’t even think twice. I barely slept that night. I didn’t go to work the next day. It was just awful.

Then came my stupid ideas. If I could just see Kevin face-to-face, I could fix this… So I called a friend to see if she could keep the kids for two days; said she’d have to talk to her husband. Literally as soon as I hung up the phone, I thought, “Screw it. Take the girls with you.” I drove to Wal-Mart and bought clothes, food, bottled drinks, toiletries, etc, and was on my way there. Then I texted Kevin, and once he found out, he wasn’t too happy. Said I was making too many rash decisions too quickly. (A few weeks prior I had decided to drop out of college and just go be with him… I’m still in school, and obviously I’m not in Georgia.) I had literally gone and spent almost $200.00, and was going to drive 11 hours to stay in a hotel on the whim that I could find him and convince him I still love him. To let him see I’m serious, that I don’t want to live without him.

Today I went to work. I cried randomly at least 4 times. I had to stop myself from texting him. I made it all the way until 6:00 in the evening before I broke down and said, “Hey.” I can’t go a day without thinking about him, and now I just want to have constant communication. I’m grasping for that non-existant string that I’d already severed with my own scissors. I’m not eating; I’m letting bugs eat me. (Well, just mosquitoes, but they’re still bugs). I either sleep too much or not enough. For over 3 hours I was outside bawling in a parking spot because all my emotions just came exploding out. I called him. I heard his voice… and it broke my heart. He’s so broken that he was “cold” towards me. I don’t blame him. I’d hate me, too. I was very nasty to him. I was angry, and it was all over something absolutely stupid!!!

I ruined my life because I couldn’t control myself. The truth is, I can’t. My doctor will not give me the medicine I need, and I haven’t been given a referral to see someone who will. I think it’s about time I did. Look at the damage I’ve caused. Never, ever did I want to do this. Ever. I love him with all my heart. I just wish he understood that I really didn’t mean to. I’m still in this manic phase- my brain won’t shut off. I keep coming up with crazy ideas, and I’m extremely irritable and impatient right now.

I need my Kevvie Bear. I’m a hot mess without him. I just wish he knew that, yes, I said those things and I knew I was saying them, but the meanness comes out when I’m manic. This has been the worst phase I’ve ever had. I’ve lost so much, and now I’m totally exposed to the world. People have been so mean and cruel over this situation. I’ve been hurt very deeply, but I know that my Kevvie is hurt even more than me. I’m so terribly sorry. I just want this pain to go away…

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

I would absolutely love to visit the country of Luxembourg. Great access to surrounding countries, and a very beautiful society. I’d love to be in that melting pot just to get a feel for all the different cultures!

Good Enough For Me

For some strange reason, we all look to others for approval. Why? Honestly, the only opinion you need is your own.

I am starting this blog because, for the same strange reason, I was trying to find acceptance through others. Over and over I’ve been let down, and I keep falling deeper and deeper into this abyss of sadness and unwantedness. All for people who, to be quite frank, never took the time to really get to know me and appreciate the real person I am.

Humans judge. We stereotype from the first sighting of a person. It’s in our nature. In this aspect, I am uniquely odd. Yes, I stereotype-I can’t help it-but I do get to know someone before making any solid judgments. I don’t date based soley on looks, although I must say my most recent love interest was very hot (he looks like Matt Damon). I go for the entire package. If you’d seen my previous significant others, you’d question my eyes probably, but if you knew these people you’d know that at the beginning they were kind and sweet and had great personalities. Well, almost all of them. Regardless, I date for love and happiness. The purpose of a partner is to fill in the areas where you’re not complete. To love unconditionally, be individuals that have common goals and pursuits, to enjoy each others’ presence.

I’m not good enough for a lot of people. I’m loud. I’m bi-polar. I think without speaking, and I react to the stupidest things. I’m quirky. I’m a little bit ditzy. But you know what, without these things I wouldn’t be me. Quite a few people strongly dislike me, some hate me. Others say I’m awesome. Deep down, I don’t know how I feel about myself, but I’d like to believe that I’m pretty stellar. I’m a young single mom who was abandoned over 3 years ago. I’m a full-time college student, and I work part-time as a mechanic to help support my youngsters. I work hard and demand perfection from myself and others. Some of these things are black clouds at times, but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. Without these crazy, sometimes horribly depressing moments, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I used to think the opinions of others mattered until I finally took a step back and realized what I was doing: I was trying to please people who first of all didn’t matter, and then beating myself up for failing to please them. I shouldn’t have to live a life trying to impress others. I shouldn’t have to worry if something I wear or something I say will piss off the wrong person. I should be accepted as I come. Take it or leave it.

I’m fun-loving and hyper. I’m obsessive compulsive. I love whole-heartedly. I’m an awesome mother, and a great friend. Who cares if I’m good enough for you; I’m good enough for me.